Absolve Your Neighbor
The Phong Nha farmstay was something I had discovered in 2011 while backpacking across Southeast Asia. Its bare bones website and the limited reviews of the hostel suggested the kind of place my pal Dylan and I were looking for in our quest for adventure in new lands: rustic, off the beaten path and full of future memories.
The Farmstay was not easy to get to, and it took extra effort to get our large American bodies on the back of a tiny scooter, though when we arrived...we were stunned. Rolling hillsides draped in an impossible variety of jungle green. The most curiously round little fishponds dotting the landscape. Modest rice farmers doing their day's work. These are what greeted us in this isolated region in central Vietnam. Despite its seeming inaccessibility, it’s also a warm, friendly place with a surprising variety of visitors from all over. We met folks from Malaysia, and Wales, and Houston, and even a woman who fought against us Yanks during the War.
Ben (an Aussie) and Bich (a Vietnamese) owned and operated the place, along with Bich's mother. Bich's mother spoke neither English nor much of anything, but boy did she have a strong presence. She was always lugging around her grandson, or chopping vegetables, or sewing a torn curtain. The woman was a workhorse.
And while we stayed there, we learned about the history of this region during the American War. We learned about how the North Vietnamese army used an extensive cave system (including the largest in the world) to move supplies to guerrillas throughout the hills. We learned about how Bich's mom was part medic, part supplies loader, part cook and complete badass while the Americans occupied her country. We learned she was 1 of only 2 survivors in her town of 120 that fought in the war.
It felt perverse to be in Bich's mom's presence. I mean, this woman was trying to kill my uncles. Yet she seemed at peace with us Westerners in her homeland some 50 years after the war. Hell, her daughter even married a man from Australia, which fought alongside the Americans in the 60s and 70s. How could she be so cool with us Westerners and our prosperous way of life? Shouldn't she harbor deep resentments against us? Didn't she have envy? Uneasiness? Disdain?
No, she didn't. She had a superhuman ability to let bygones be bygones, accept the past, and work for a better future. Bich's mom was a perfect example of how great humans can be. We can forgive, and we can move on.
In fact, we learned Bich’s mom, like many North Vietnamese, didn't loathe the Americans as much as we thought they might have. Rather, as a country that had been occupied at first by China, then France, then the United States over a few hundred years, Vietnam only wanted to be free to practice government the way they wanted to. Her stance was that each American was doing what his government asked of him, and she did what her government asked of her.
So, my ask of you is to be more like Bich's mom. Learn to accept and forgive your enemies, and work towards a better life. It may feel utterly impossible today to ever absolve your enemy - be it your neighbor or coworker or the person who cuts you in line. It may even take 50 years. But people do change. And in time, your enemies might just become your allies - or even your paying guests.